Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Good Getting Better....

Today is day 16....feeling great so far today, considering that I was up at 330am. I have my son today, looking forward to spending some quality time with him......haven't had any energy for days on end. It takes everything I have to just get my funky butt in the shower, and put clothes on. The chills have subsided, and the sweats are close behind. I think I'm nearing the end? God help me, I sure hope so.........its been a long road.
Went to the Doctor yesterday........he says "we might have to put you back on a "maintenance dose"........are you fucking kidding me right now? I'm looking for a new Doctor.....most of them just don't get it.....have I mentioned it's all about $$$, at the expense of others health and sanity!~ Needless to say, I told him he was fucking nuts~ I will never put chemicals in my body, one day at a time as long as I live......god willing~
My wife and I are separated right now, but we are beginning to have "adult" conversations.......shes still sick as well. She had become very co-dependant on me, and my issues........she was addicted to my MESS. Any how.....that's a good thing ( adult conversation) that is. Normally we argue like kinder gardeners, fighting over a loli-pop. Of course, I play a part by feeding into it, but recall..........this is a process. Its progress not perfection. Hope all's well out there in the WWW......its go time.

Monday, March 14, 2011

All I can say, is WOW

I am feeling a little apprehensive about sharing my thoughts today as relates to recovery, and this so called "tool" that was prescribed to me by my primary care physician almost 3 years ago. Lets rewind a little bit. First off, Im a recovering addict/alcoholic. Some two and a half years ago I was addicted to heroin, which by the way, is the most horrible drug known to man....IMHO. Not to mention, it has killed so many thousands of young kids already this year. I dont know whats worse, living in active heroin addiction, or death? With that being said, I wanted off of that I talked with my docter and got honest for the first time in a long time. We discussed several options. Methadone, Suboxone, or just "cold turkey". I tried, and couldnt do it. I chose the suboxone.
I say that I have been clean since Feburary of 2010, but in all honesty, I was taking that medication (suboxone) "opiate blocker" for nearly three years, with the last year being the very most successful. I didn't find the desire to use ANY of the many vices that haunt me. I understand that addiction and drug use is taboo, and its not a pretty subject......i feel its my responcibility to share my experience in hopes that maybe I may help just one other person from having to suffer the complete demoralization I had to endure. Did I mention Im a lil A>D>D? "squirrel".....anyways, back to the suboxone. This medication has turned out to be the same old monster, just a new mask. See, on February 28, 2011 I decided that i wasn't "CLEAN" and that I no longer wanted to be on this "tool".......and it was just time for me to get off from it. Little did I know what kind of hell that I was gonna have to go through to make this my reality.
I found myself back at the treatment center I visited last February when I got off from the real deal drugs, detoxing from the Doctor prescribed suboxone. By the way, I was told initially, that there would be little or no withdraw symptoms getting off from this, and that is was not addictive, and rarely abused........all of which ARE LIES!! Here it is, day 14 without that garbage SUBOXONE, and I'm still sick ass fuck, cant sleep, cant eat, no energy, sweaty chills, ect... Sound familiar? well, for those of you who don't know, these are all the same symptoms you experience when coming off from Heroin, or any other "opiate" for that matter.
I wonder what the Doctor that prescribed me this would think if I was to tell him that I would love to take his wife out to dinner, catch a movie, and just do a few milligrams of SUBOXONE?? Maybe he would try it in front of me, to prove to me that it "wont get ya high." I should have asked him for some references of prior patients, who have successfully gotten off this medication, with " mild or no withdraw" symptoms. Again, and I stress, ALL LIES. Do I blame the Doctor? Absolutely not, am I angry about the misinformation? You bet ya. See, I feel as though the last year has all been for nothing. Don't get me wrong, its been one of the better years of my life, but far from what it could have been. I'm starting over, vigilant, more informed, teachable, open minded, and willing to do what ever it takes to keep my mind, body and spirit, free from the chains of drug addiction. You will be hard pressed to read about me taking baby aspirin. I am free at last, free at last. Looking forward to this journey now, more than ever.
Its insane to go to the source of our disease....."drugs" to fix our problem..."drugs" you cant fix a drug problem with a drug period! Suboxone will hurt you and make you cry, take my word for it. Please if you or anyone you know, love or care about is on, or considering taking suboxone, do your research, and I hope you find the truth?!~ If there is any such "truth" to the effects of this wont find it in a doctors office, pharmacy, even most drug treatment centers........see its really not a "tool" for you, but rather a "tool" for all of these drug reps, doctors, and the like to make money off from mine/your sick, desperate ass! They could give a flying squirrels nut's about sick people, love yourself enough to not put this drug in your body. You don't have to believe me, do your own research, there is some pretty good info out there. I will leave you with a decent link to get you started. God cuz ya can......EZ.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A New Leaf...or Leaves

So, well here we are. Its been almost 1yr since i put any foreign chemicals in my body, mind or soul. I am feeling a lot better than I did last I posted here, some four or five months ago!~ There has been oh so many things that have taken place. First and foremost, I'm outta that fog..thank you god! I have however been a little misplaced, and forgetful....that's to be expected. How could I have forgot about my blog though? Well, I'm not sure, but I'm back. Lets see how long I can pay attention. I swear I am going to try to make it a part of my day. To visit this blog, and do a little writing. I believe it will be beneficial to me in may ways. Not to mention, it might be beneficial to others, after all, recovery is about quitting drugs, finding a new way to live, and most importantly, helping others!
Lets see, where to start? I have almost a year clean from drugs, I screwed around and got myself all upset 4 months ago, when my wife and I had a blow-out ( becoming regular) and I turned to alcohol to relieve the anxiety, and the heart ache. It never works, never has......never will. But, being an addict, I often times am powerless over that mental obsession, and if not diligent, will fall flat on my face. So, well I had a drink, just one, and realized what I was getting myself into, and threw it down. That's progress, I didn't stay out all night and blow the bank, getting shit faced and winding up in a basement somewhere hiding from myself and the world around me, cuddled up with glass and and that white substance that haunts me! I will never, god willing ever use drugs again. The alcohol has an uncanny way of lowering my inhibitions though, and allowing me to make irreversible decisions. Its that Liquid I am most concerned about. God "IS" doing for me what I cannot do for myself day at a time.
I have gotten a sponsor, someone who has experience with the program (NA) and who has a working knowledge of the steps. ( The 12 Steps). I use him on a regular basis, and we are working through the steps. I try today to live by these "spiritual principles" and so far its working for me. I struggle, and I fall short some days, but life is general is getting much, much better. I have several accountability partners, that I can call and discuss life on life terms, and I use them as well. I have been attending church every Sunday for the last 3 months, I was recently Baptized.......WOW, imagine that, me being baptized and going to church? the angels in heaven, and GOD himself are baffled I'm sure. I was a heavy agnostic just months mindedness and willingness is all that's required, and I believe that anyone can find a GOD of their "own" understanding. I attend NA and AA on a very regular basis.....and I actually share whats going on with me! Huh, imagine that, what a concept! I'm finding that I needed to be "in" recovery and not just "around" it. I'm writing on steps, I'm praying, going to meetings, church, church programs for hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and I'm talking about my problems..........and better yet the solutions to those problems, that I've found others have been through, and went through...clean and sober! If it works for them, maybe, just maybe, it will work for me. So far so good! Talk about a "new Leaf" man.........I am living a whole new life style, a whole new way of thinking, acting, and reacting to the things in life that used to have my mind and my emotions on overdrive. I have some hope, some faith and some belief, that you and I can find a better way of life.
Through all of this, I have a had several spiritual awakenings..some just like a gentle breeze....some like a tornado! I'm alive again! I feel sometimes, genuine feelings. I thinking More clearly and I'm making better choices most of the time. I understand that this is a process, and that time takes time. I am looking forward to tomorrow, but living in today. My true pleasure is in the journey, and the friendships and opportunity's that have and will continue to develop and present themselves in my life, should I choose to stay the course~ Keep on keeping on! Until we meet god, and know that the war goes on only when we continue to fight. At some point it takes surrender and a little humility to unlock the doors of change. If nothing changes.........nothing changes. If we always do what we always did........we always get what we always got! Hurt people.............hurt people! Just a few saying, and words of wisdom to leave you with. Be good, and be good at it!~ MU AH

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Man today is one of those days where ya just want to choke somebody! I will be so glad when my five year old goes to kindergarten.....I have been a stay at home dad for going on five years, and it's definitely time for a change! I cant take another minute, I catch myself sometimes looking at the clock every 10-15 minutes waiting for my wife to return home from work, just I can take a breath!
You can only be so patient, so loving, so caring, before you want to just explode. I need my sanity back, I cant even think a complete thought before I hear " daddy do this" "daddy get me this" "daddy get me that" you get the picture? My hats are off to all the women out there who have, willingly chose to be a stay at home mom and raise children, it's not for the faint of heart gentlemen let me tell ya........give me a come-along and 100 yards of concrete any day over this.. I have had the opportunity to do alot oegf different things in life, and this is by far the most difficult thing I have yet to encounter. Never in my wildest dreams did I know what I was getting into when I agreed to this. I thought it would be a breeze, boy was I so wrong, so very wrong~
Have I mentioned that I have other children as well, one boy 20, one boy 15, one boy 5 and two 15 year old girls.........WOW.......tell me about it. I was very busy (and stupid) in my teens and early 20's. I just had no concept of the future, always living in the moment, and not caring about consequences. Boy does that shit catch up with ya, and when it does, it's a little like running naked into a tornado, all of the shit you don't want to see is right there flying around in your face. Yes, I was very irresponsible, and self-centered. I only thought of myself and what could I do to make Brian feel now and play later....or play now and pay later.
I don't have a clue where this blog is going? It was originally gonna be about my journey of recovery, addiction, and my's kinda turned into a vent for me to just spit all this jibber jabber! I guess it is what it is, and I will use it for what ever the hell I see fit. I will surely enjoy reading all this madness when I make it further along in my recovery. I am only 4 months and 3 days clean. Just an infant in recovery, actually not even in "recovery" in the true sence of the word, Just CLEAN.
I think that recovery begins when I begin to actually find A NEW way to live. I am still depressed and miserable most days and it shouldn't be that way! I guess more will be revealed. Today I am clean, so I am dealing with it!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Just for today

I remember when I first started hearing the recovery slogans like, "First things first", "One day at a time", "Easy does it" and "Just for today", to name a few. I would hear people say that and think to myself, "uh huh…and then what?!!" It drove me nuts! I was one of those that would later identify with the words of Doctor William D. Silkworth when he said, "I earnestly advise every alcoholic to read this book through and though perhaps he came to scoff, he may remain to pray." I was a "scoffer" straight out of the chute! I always felt like, (in early treatment), "those recovery people use slogans because they don't have a clue what else to say to me!" I would wonder, (in early sobriety), why people would say "just for today", when it was so obvious to me that my life was WAY more complicated than that! My life seemed to be a better fit for "and then what?!!" I would say, "Shouldn't I at least think about tomorrow? Shouldn't I at least plan?"

Well, fortunately I stuck around a while and began to learn the wisdom contained in each and every one of those slogans. But for now, let's look at "Just for today". I think that history gives us great examples of the reality of the here and now, or if you will, "just for today".

Some negative events in history:

End of October, 1929: The stock market crashed. Prior to this moment in time, many Americans were just living their lives. They had their homes, jobs and dreams for the future. Yet on that day, men were said to have thrown themselves to their death in New York City and through the Great Depression that followed, countless thousands lost everything and had to start over.

November 18, 1978: Hundreds of people thought they had found a religious utopia in Guyana, under the leadership of a man named James W. Jones, called Jamestown. On this day visitors came and disillusioned members decided to leave with them. Upon trying to leave all but a few lost their lives in murder/suicide.

April 8, 1998: Birmingham, AL - Tornado warnings had been issued. Everyone knew the drill when the sirens went off. But no one knew how bad this one would be. It was an F-5, with winds in excess of 260mph. It ran for 21 miles and was a ½ mile wide. 33 souls would be lost in a matter of minutes.

September 11, 2001: On this day men and women went to work, sent their loved ones on their way, and began planning their activities. On that day, terrorists dove down from the sky, (in planes filled with innocent people), flying directly into America's sense of reality & security… changing it forever.

December 26, 2004: It was a beautiful day and hundreds of thousands of people were going about their days work, some were on vacation, some sleeping - all thinking it was just another day. Then…the largest tsunami in modern history stuck, killing aprx. 230,000 and permanently changing the lives of millions.

Some positive events in history:

December 11, 1934: A man named Bill Wilson made his last trip to Towns Hospital for treatment of his chronic alcoholism, offered himself to God and found sobriety. He would later become a founder of a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous, through which millions would find freedom and life again.

1952: A man by the name of Jonas Salk developed the Polio Vaccine. He believed he had found an end to polio. He, his wife and his children risked their own lives to test the vaccine and ultimately changed the future for countless thousands.

December 1, 1955: A black woman named Rosa Parks was sitting on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama and was told by a white passenger to move. That day…she refused. The decision made that day set in motion an entire change for civil rights…opening the door for a leader. December, 1955: Martin Luther King Jr. would take up this cause and from then until 1968, (one day at a time), he changed a nation! He opened eyes and his daily actions changed the lives and destinies of millions.

July 20, 1969: Neil Armstrong walked on the moon! In one day, the boundaries that had existed for mankind ended and the possibilities became endless.

"Just for today" is the reality of living. I can plan and I can dream, but my tangible reality is in today, it is in the here and now. Let's look at a person I like to call "Hypothetical Betty":

Betty entered treatment and had a roommate. Betty hated her life and didn't think she would make it. But she decided to follow the suggestions she was given. She asked God to keep her clean and she prayed for others. She used a sponsor, read in her book, worked steps and participated in meetings. When Betty got her one year chip she was happy, but felt like she hadn't done much else or made any real difference for others. She didn't know of all the other lives affected by her decisions made "just for today" over the past year. Her roommate had observed that Betty was WAY sicker than her and had surmised that if Betty could do it, well, then she would too! Betty's mom, who had been dying from cancer, saw Betty get sober and had peace when she died. Betty would have a child that year, (who would grow up and later discover a cure for cancer, saving millions). A man named John, (that Betty never knew), made it home to his family the night Betty got her medallion.

Now, let's say Betty had decided to not listen and leave treatment rather than stick it out, ultimately leading to her relapse. Betty's roommate would follow her example and leave treatment as well. Betty's mother would die never having peace. Betty would never have a child, (and millions would continue to suffer from the ravages of cancer). John, (the man she never knew), would never make it home to his family. He would be killed in a horrific auto accident caused by a drunk driver…named Betty.

Here is what I have found: Just for today isn't just about me. It is for all the lives affected by what I choose to do today. I can't change yesterday and I'm not promised tomorrow. I have today and what I do in this day affects hundreds of people I will never know.

Friday, July 23, 2010

This is my journey

Hello. Today I decided that I would start a blog about my journey through recovery from drugs and alcohol, from addiction, anything outside myself that made me feel better, and get out of that person I was.
I have never written a blog before, and I don't normally like to share my problems, successes, or personal life with anyone, so this will be a journey for all. I will eventually fill in the blanks, and get into my history, where I'm at, where I came from and where I'm going. I basically want an outlet to voice my feelings, and thoughts about what has become a life long struggle, and war to save my own life from the grips of a horrible addiction to alcohol, cocaine, pills, weed, and eventually heroin, and everything in between. Not necessarily in that order, but you get it?
My blog may not be the fanciest, most technical, cute, and organized as most, but it will be one mans open honest truth about the horror, and the hope of addiction. I will do my best to write something daily, even if it's just that I want to say hello, but this might get interesting. I encourage questions and comments, good and bad, and indifferent, I am open minded, and not boxed into any one way of thinking, religion, or politics.
I am Brian B. I'm a 42 year old recovering addict/alcoholic. I am married, and have 5, yes 5 beautiful children. Only one of which is my step son. 3 boys ages 5,15,21 and 2 girls both 15. My boys all live with my wife and I, and my girls, both from different mothers, live with there mothers. My wife Tracie, is my high-school sweetie, we have been together for over 25 years off and on. We finally got married in October of 2008. WOW, who would have thunk it! Tracie is an RN at a local hospitol, and I have been doing construction for most of my adult life, when I could, I have not worked in 5 years. We decided that I would be a stay at home dad when we had our youngest child. For anyone out there that thinks being a stay at home dad is easy- Blow-me! It's just not for me. I have made the commitment to do it though, and it's coming to an end. Lil Brian will start Kindergarten this Fall.
This is all I have time for right now but stay tuned!