Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Good Getting Better....

Today is day 16....feeling great so far today, considering that I was up at 330am. I have my son today, looking forward to spending some quality time with him......haven't had any energy for days on end. It takes everything I have to just get my funky butt in the shower, and put clothes on. The chills have subsided, and the sweats are close behind. I think I'm nearing the end? God help me, I sure hope so.........its been a long road.
Went to the Doctor yesterday........he says "we might have to put you back on a "maintenance dose"........are you fucking kidding me right now? I'm looking for a new Doctor.....most of them just don't get it.....have I mentioned it's all about $$$, at the expense of others health and sanity!~ Needless to say, I told him he was fucking nuts~ I will never put chemicals in my body, one day at a time as long as I live......god willing~
My wife and I are separated right now, but we are beginning to have "adult" conversations.......shes still sick as well. She had become very co-dependant on me, and my issues........she was addicted to my MESS. Any how.....that's a good thing ( adult conversation) that is. Normally we argue like kinder gardeners, fighting over a loli-pop. Of course, I play a part by feeding into it, but recall..........this is a process. Its progress not perfection. Hope all's well out there in the WWW......its go time.

Monday, March 14, 2011

All I can say, is WOW

I am feeling a little apprehensive about sharing my thoughts today as relates to recovery, and this so called "tool" that was prescribed to me by my primary care physician almost 3 years ago. Lets rewind a little bit. First off, Im a recovering addict/alcoholic. Some two and a half years ago I was addicted to heroin, which by the way, is the most horrible drug known to man....IMHO. Not to mention, it has killed so many thousands of young kids already this year. I dont know whats worse, living in active heroin addiction, or death? With that being said, I wanted off of that I talked with my docter and got honest for the first time in a long time. We discussed several options. Methadone, Suboxone, or just "cold turkey". I tried, and couldnt do it. I chose the suboxone.
I say that I have been clean since Feburary of 2010, but in all honesty, I was taking that medication (suboxone) "opiate blocker" for nearly three years, with the last year being the very most successful. I didn't find the desire to use ANY of the many vices that haunt me. I understand that addiction and drug use is taboo, and its not a pretty subject......i feel its my responcibility to share my experience in hopes that maybe I may help just one other person from having to suffer the complete demoralization I had to endure. Did I mention Im a lil A>D>D? "squirrel".....anyways, back to the suboxone. This medication has turned out to be the same old monster, just a new mask. See, on February 28, 2011 I decided that i wasn't "CLEAN" and that I no longer wanted to be on this "tool".......and it was just time for me to get off from it. Little did I know what kind of hell that I was gonna have to go through to make this my reality.
I found myself back at the treatment center I visited last February when I got off from the real deal drugs, detoxing from the Doctor prescribed suboxone. By the way, I was told initially, that there would be little or no withdraw symptoms getting off from this, and that is was not addictive, and rarely abused........all of which ARE LIES!! Here it is, day 14 without that garbage SUBOXONE, and I'm still sick ass fuck, cant sleep, cant eat, no energy, sweaty chills, ect... Sound familiar? well, for those of you who don't know, these are all the same symptoms you experience when coming off from Heroin, or any other "opiate" for that matter.
I wonder what the Doctor that prescribed me this would think if I was to tell him that I would love to take his wife out to dinner, catch a movie, and just do a few milligrams of SUBOXONE?? Maybe he would try it in front of me, to prove to me that it "wont get ya high." I should have asked him for some references of prior patients, who have successfully gotten off this medication, with " mild or no withdraw" symptoms. Again, and I stress, ALL LIES. Do I blame the Doctor? Absolutely not, am I angry about the misinformation? You bet ya. See, I feel as though the last year has all been for nothing. Don't get me wrong, its been one of the better years of my life, but far from what it could have been. I'm starting over, vigilant, more informed, teachable, open minded, and willing to do what ever it takes to keep my mind, body and spirit, free from the chains of drug addiction. You will be hard pressed to read about me taking baby aspirin. I am free at last, free at last. Looking forward to this journey now, more than ever.
Its insane to go to the source of our disease....."drugs" to fix our problem..."drugs" you cant fix a drug problem with a drug period! Suboxone will hurt you and make you cry, take my word for it. Please if you or anyone you know, love or care about is on, or considering taking suboxone, do your research, and I hope you find the truth?!~ If there is any such "truth" to the effects of this wont find it in a doctors office, pharmacy, even most drug treatment centers........see its really not a "tool" for you, but rather a "tool" for all of these drug reps, doctors, and the like to make money off from mine/your sick, desperate ass! They could give a flying squirrels nut's about sick people, love yourself enough to not put this drug in your body. You don't have to believe me, do your own research, there is some pretty good info out there. I will leave you with a decent link to get you started. God cuz ya can......EZ.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A New Leaf...or Leaves

So, well here we are. Its been almost 1yr since i put any foreign chemicals in my body, mind or soul. I am feeling a lot better than I did last I posted here, some four or five months ago!~ There has been oh so many things that have taken place. First and foremost, I'm outta that fog..thank you god! I have however been a little misplaced, and forgetful....that's to be expected. How could I have forgot about my blog though? Well, I'm not sure, but I'm back. Lets see how long I can pay attention. I swear I am going to try to make it a part of my day. To visit this blog, and do a little writing. I believe it will be beneficial to me in may ways. Not to mention, it might be beneficial to others, after all, recovery is about quitting drugs, finding a new way to live, and most importantly, helping others!
Lets see, where to start? I have almost a year clean from drugs, I screwed around and got myself all upset 4 months ago, when my wife and I had a blow-out ( becoming regular) and I turned to alcohol to relieve the anxiety, and the heart ache. It never works, never has......never will. But, being an addict, I often times am powerless over that mental obsession, and if not diligent, will fall flat on my face. So, well I had a drink, just one, and realized what I was getting myself into, and threw it down. That's progress, I didn't stay out all night and blow the bank, getting shit faced and winding up in a basement somewhere hiding from myself and the world around me, cuddled up with glass and and that white substance that haunts me! I will never, god willing ever use drugs again. The alcohol has an uncanny way of lowering my inhibitions though, and allowing me to make irreversible decisions. Its that Liquid I am most concerned about. God "IS" doing for me what I cannot do for myself day at a time.
I have gotten a sponsor, someone who has experience with the program (NA) and who has a working knowledge of the steps. ( The 12 Steps). I use him on a regular basis, and we are working through the steps. I try today to live by these "spiritual principles" and so far its working for me. I struggle, and I fall short some days, but life is general is getting much, much better. I have several accountability partners, that I can call and discuss life on life terms, and I use them as well. I have been attending church every Sunday for the last 3 months, I was recently Baptized.......WOW, imagine that, me being baptized and going to church? the angels in heaven, and GOD himself are baffled I'm sure. I was a heavy agnostic just months mindedness and willingness is all that's required, and I believe that anyone can find a GOD of their "own" understanding. I attend NA and AA on a very regular basis.....and I actually share whats going on with me! Huh, imagine that, what a concept! I'm finding that I needed to be "in" recovery and not just "around" it. I'm writing on steps, I'm praying, going to meetings, church, church programs for hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and I'm talking about my problems..........and better yet the solutions to those problems, that I've found others have been through, and went through...clean and sober! If it works for them, maybe, just maybe, it will work for me. So far so good! Talk about a "new Leaf" man.........I am living a whole new life style, a whole new way of thinking, acting, and reacting to the things in life that used to have my mind and my emotions on overdrive. I have some hope, some faith and some belief, that you and I can find a better way of life.
Through all of this, I have a had several spiritual awakenings..some just like a gentle breeze....some like a tornado! I'm alive again! I feel sometimes, genuine feelings. I thinking More clearly and I'm making better choices most of the time. I understand that this is a process, and that time takes time. I am looking forward to tomorrow, but living in today. My true pleasure is in the journey, and the friendships and opportunity's that have and will continue to develop and present themselves in my life, should I choose to stay the course~ Keep on keeping on! Until we meet god, and know that the war goes on only when we continue to fight. At some point it takes surrender and a little humility to unlock the doors of change. If nothing changes.........nothing changes. If we always do what we always did........we always get what we always got! Hurt people.............hurt people! Just a few saying, and words of wisdom to leave you with. Be good, and be good at it!~ MU AH