Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A New Leaf...or Leaves

So, well here we are. Its been almost 1yr since i put any foreign chemicals in my body, mind or soul. I am feeling a lot better than I did last I posted here, some four or five months ago!~ There has been oh so many things that have taken place. First and foremost, I'm outta that fog..thank you god! I have however been a little misplaced, and forgetful....that's to be expected. How could I have forgot about my blog though? Well, I'm not sure, but I'm back. Lets see how long I can pay attention. I swear I am going to try to make it a part of my day. To visit this blog, and do a little writing. I believe it will be beneficial to me in may ways. Not to mention, it might be beneficial to others, after all, recovery is about quitting drugs, finding a new way to live, and most importantly, helping others!
Lets see, where to start? I have almost a year clean from drugs, I screwed around and got myself all upset 4 months ago, when my wife and I had a blow-out ( becoming regular) and I turned to alcohol to relieve the anxiety, and the heart ache. It never works, never has......never will. But, being an addict, I often times am powerless over that mental obsession, and if not diligent, will fall flat on my face. So, well I had a drink, just one, and realized what I was getting myself into, and threw it down. That's progress, I didn't stay out all night and blow the bank, getting shit faced and winding up in a basement somewhere hiding from myself and the world around me, cuddled up with glass and and that white substance that haunts me! I will never, god willing ever use drugs again. The alcohol has an uncanny way of lowering my inhibitions though, and allowing me to make irreversible decisions. Its that Liquid I am most concerned about. God "IS" doing for me what I cannot do for myself day at a time.
I have gotten a sponsor, someone who has experience with the program (NA) and who has a working knowledge of the steps. ( The 12 Steps). I use him on a regular basis, and we are working through the steps. I try today to live by these "spiritual principles" and so far its working for me. I struggle, and I fall short some days, but life is general is getting much, much better. I have several accountability partners, that I can call and discuss life on life terms, and I use them as well. I have been attending church every Sunday for the last 3 months, I was recently Baptized.......WOW, imagine that, me being baptized and going to church? the angels in heaven, and GOD himself are baffled I'm sure. I was a heavy agnostic just months mindedness and willingness is all that's required, and I believe that anyone can find a GOD of their "own" understanding. I attend NA and AA on a very regular basis.....and I actually share whats going on with me! Huh, imagine that, what a concept! I'm finding that I needed to be "in" recovery and not just "around" it. I'm writing on steps, I'm praying, going to meetings, church, church programs for hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and I'm talking about my problems..........and better yet the solutions to those problems, that I've found others have been through, and went through...clean and sober! If it works for them, maybe, just maybe, it will work for me. So far so good! Talk about a "new Leaf" man.........I am living a whole new life style, a whole new way of thinking, acting, and reacting to the things in life that used to have my mind and my emotions on overdrive. I have some hope, some faith and some belief, that you and I can find a better way of life.
Through all of this, I have a had several spiritual awakenings..some just like a gentle breeze....some like a tornado! I'm alive again! I feel sometimes, genuine feelings. I thinking More clearly and I'm making better choices most of the time. I understand that this is a process, and that time takes time. I am looking forward to tomorrow, but living in today. My true pleasure is in the journey, and the friendships and opportunity's that have and will continue to develop and present themselves in my life, should I choose to stay the course~ Keep on keeping on! Until we meet god, and know that the war goes on only when we continue to fight. At some point it takes surrender and a little humility to unlock the doors of change. If nothing changes.........nothing changes. If we always do what we always did........we always get what we always got! Hurt people.............hurt people! Just a few saying, and words of wisdom to leave you with. Be good, and be good at it!~ MU AH